This Hari Raya

we're just this really happy bunch

This raya I realized that we are all actually very afraid of growing up. Undeniably, all of us can’t wait to grow up, but in the anticipation, we are all afraid of opening the window to growth, and to adulthood.

this is a picture with my grandma in Kedah. this is first day raya. Theme this year: bluish, greenish!

The best example I can probably come up with at this moment is Abang, my 23 year old cousin who is currently doing his masters, has a girlfriend, whom I think he is planning to marry. Eventhough he has all that, he seems to be oblivious to his so-called grown up stature, and his age. He seems to be acting like he was since, well since I knew him. He didn’t care that he was playing with bunga api like a 12 year-old kid, he didn’t care that he was making plans using mercun like he was still 15, he just didn’t care, and I actually understood. To him, mercun will always be mercun, no matter how old he is, but what has changed is what he has learnt throughout life, and all the experiences he had been through.
This raya has thought me something. I learnt that growing up involves confusion. At one point, we just can’t wait to spread our wings and get all the freedom we could possibly grasp, but at the same time, we are scared of leaving our nests. I just realized that I am not sure whether or not I am ready to grow up, to love and to live like my parents have. I realized that perhaps I have been taking life way too seriously, thinking too much about what might be, rather than what I have. I am learning to be a kid, and sadly, I am only starting to learn right now. I am not sure in what way my childhood was deprived, but I somehow think I’ve grown before I should have. See, I am confused. At this age, I am not sure what kind of behaviour I am supposed to conform to. I am not sure how I’m supposed to act, and what I’m supposed to think about. I am not very sure what is expected out of me, but perhaps, I am thinking too much about what other people expect.

the bunga api crew

This raya, I also learnt that it is not easy to forget, and Shahrenn taught me that. Even after all these years, and after we have and had boyfriends and girlfriends of our own, he is still unable to forget, at least not as well as I have been able to. Perhaps he was right when he once told me that I simply had no idea how much he loved me. Imagine, he didn’t get a girlfriend until he was sure that I was well taken care of, and that I was happy. Then, he moved on. But when we were a couple, we were still so very young and naïve and perhaps right now to be in love with your own cousin seems pretty weird. Back to what I was saying about how difficult it is to forget. The right song is on air right now; Burn by Usher. It is not easy to forget, enough is said.
So many lessons I have learnt out of this short and meaningful festival. Finally, I was able to feel, and to eat, especially, while putting on weight! Finally! And truthfully, right now, I’m pretty worried that I’m fat, hehe. Well, it was good to get away from the computer, the house phone, the car, astro. It was good to get away from all of that for the whole of this raya. It was good to shut down. This raya has been good to me. Perhaps I won’t tell much about what happened, but I had tons of fun, and that much I can tell. I couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate raya, other than the way I did, surrounded by the people I love, and who love me back in return. It is good to not feel alone, and love is truly a gift no one can buy.
Anyone reading this might probably think I’m nuts, and that I have no focus since I’m jumping from one topic to another, but it’s difficult to concentrate when I’m happy beyond words.

"Love is a gift, time is treasure, youth is priceless, and wisdom does not come with age, it comes with experience and a lot of thought. Live to a hundred if you must, but never die without dignity, and never live with too much pride. Sometimes pride gets in the way of many good things that may happen to us."