where the river flows

I came here today solely for the purpose of bringing the kiddies to the park. And here I am, sitting by the stream, with my feet in the water, and my pants wet up to my knees. The sand is cold, and the current is pretty strong. It rained real hard this noon, and the aftermath is all the beauty of nature I am now enjoying.
I try to grasp the sand at my feet with my toes, but to no avail, they refuse to stay where they are; they simply go with the currents of the stream. I have learnt that now. I have learnt that the more we hold on, the more it slips away.
Perhaps for a long time now, while others have been listening to the sound of the river flowing, I had been plugging my ears with a pair of headphones, with maximum volume, oblivious to the fact that the sounds humans produce might just be the best things the ears would ever hear.

Perhaps this void I am feeling is a thing of my own doing. It is probably self-induced, because I keep on doing things that would be detrimental to my heart. Yes; my heart cannot stand thinking about the things it wished would happen, when my mind very well knows that those things won’t happen, but the heart rules the head more. It cannot stop feeling; it cannot stop bleeding. The scars from the wounds, which I thought were starting to heal, are apparently still very much open. And how I know this is because I can’t seem to see myself creating more of the things I used to dearly possess. I am no doubt happy, but happy with a void; does that make sense at all?

But then again, perhaps, as I said earlier, all this is self-induced. Perhaps while others have been going with the flow of the river, I’ve been going against it. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so scared to take uncalculated risks. But I AM learning not to be so scared. I am learning, but I’m learning slowly.

I am now learning to never say never ever again, because I did say it one night, while I was talking with Faizah, and the next thing I know, I woke up the next morning feeling the complete opposite. The only problem with me right now is that I’m going to different shops, always eating the same things, and always looking for the same people. Why is it that this mindset is so hard to change? Perhaps, it’s because the people I meet seem so similar to each other.

And to YOU- you do really remind me of a guy I use to know. You are the spitting resemblance what I used to call mine.

But for now, perhaps for now, I should just go where the river goes.

++i wrote this by the stream this evening. i loved it there!++