where has my heart gone to?

27th October
It’s 13th Ramadhan already, but I didn’t feel it passing. Something is amiss, but I can’t seem to point my finger at what it is. This year’s Ramadhan is different, but I’m not sure what is different about it. It’s almost half a month I’ve been fasting, and I can’t seem to connect with my creator. It is alarming, because though I am not very pious, connecting to Him, the Creator during Ramadhan especially, has never really been much of a problem for me. I am not looking forward to Hari Raya, and I’m not sure why. Have I just grown out of the habit of being so excited about Raya? What’s wrong? And Hari Raya cards. I haven’t sent a single card, and I haven’t received a single card either. When I was much younger, I’d be posting my cards on the second day of fasting, but this year, I just couldn’t really care less. Perhaps I need to start. Yeah, perhaps I will send them tomorrow.

The reason is on air at the moment. This song really gets to the heart, and I never seem to get bored of it. I just wish I could feel more about this festive season. Make plans or bake cookies, or whatever. But I can’t feel anything for it. I hate to admit it, but I am fasting for the sake of it. And as for getting a new baju kurung for raya, I’m doing it for the sake of my mom. Yeah, my mom. I think she has been reading my mind for the past few weeks. She looks like she knows, but she won’t ask. She just has that knowing look. And it’s awful, because I want to tell her things, but I just don’t think I will. And I’m not even sure why I’m keeping things from her.

I miss college. I miss TKC- a lot! I just miss those times buka with my friends, pesan stuff from cikgu halim, and also pakcik mus. Going to pasar malam or buka in seremban parade. Those times are just gold. Gold, I tell you. Irreplaceable. I wish I was a 15 year old again, then perhaps I wouldn’t have trouble sleeping. Now, miss you, blink 182 is on air. Yeah, I’m wishing for that angel from my nightmare. Where are you? Stop this pain tonight. I know I sound really bored, and a lot blur, and the truth is I’m just all that. Tonight I came home from tarawikh with the realization that I have not connected with my Creator, and now I’m worrying about it. Where has my heart gone to? Do I need to stab it to make sure that it’s bleeding still?