where rainbows end-

everybody keeps on further convincing me that i am a piece of plywood. mind you, people. i do eat, and it is not just any substantial amount to keep me alive, but a big, big amount. don't believe me? ask mummy, or jaja, or bats or dean or atong even. they know i finished that big plate of nasi beriyani in Insaf this afternoon- that after a big breakfast of nasi lemak and milk and fruit. one day, i'm going to grow into a balloon.

i'm currently stuck on a book by Cecilia Ahern- Where Rainbows End; where fate just can't stop meddling. i think she's a wonderful author. though she's only written 2 books so far (as far as i know at least), i think i know how many lives she's about to touch and how many hearts she's about to affect.

i guess life has always been like that for me. fate has always been either my best friend, or the worst of foes at times in life. i never really know what i'm in for until something happens, or something ends. perhaps she is right when she said in the book that the only certainty in life is death. yes. i believe in this cliche, although i am not ready to meet my creator. because death is the only thing without solution, without answer and without a shadow of a doubt the end of one life and the beginning of another, of which we have absolutely no control over.

last night, i took some time to reminisce the old times when i was a much younger girl (not that i'm old now though!). i remember alot of things, alot of places and alot of people. people who have come and go. people whom i have lost contact with and people whom i have suddenly refined my friendship with. and also people whom i never imagined being acquainted to in the way i am acquainted to now.

then, i came to the realisation that i was always there. through all the years, there i was, minding my own business, doing my own stuff, getting to know things from other people, but not bothering enough to do even care, but the bottom line is that i was just there. and though in the life before this i never cared enough to even be bothered, right now i care too much to the extent of being extremely bothered. you don't really have to understand i guess. but those who saw me growing up would know what i'm talking about i presume.

thinking about the fact that i was always there makes me wonder if this is it. is this where all of it ends? or are there any more twists and turns ready to make my already confusing life even more distorted. is this where my rainbows will end? or is this just the beginning? i'm off for a nap. i've never felt so tired for so long now. let's hope i dream of rainbows.