inadequacy

Sometimes, we try hard not to care about what evolves around other people’s lives. We try not to look too much into detail about their whereabouts and simply how they’re doing. But at a point in life, we can’t go on being ignorant, we tend to get curious, and there starts the quest of finding out how others are doing.

Sometimes, by looking at other people’s lives, we feel good to know that we are at par with them, sometimes even better. But when we suddenly find others whose lives have soared way above ours, we wonder where we stand next to them.

Many questions will be posed after such long and thorough inspection of the well being of others. Yes, I know, I shouldn’t have gone round poking my nose in the first place, but who can help it? Can YOU resist the temptation of comparing YOURSELF to another? The feeling of inadequacy is inevitable.

You tend to wonder whether you can match the other’s beauty. I ask myself that question time and time again. I am not the person with the kind of features one would take a second glance at. I am definitely not an eye-catcher, partially contributed by my sense of style, which would most probably go down to zilch. I wear what I want, when I want. I do not do make-up, I do not do my hair. I do not do a lot of things. But I wonder, really, how much of it really matters? I love to see others growing up with make-up and lovely clothing, but I can’t seem to see myself as part of all that glam. Does that make me someone out of the league? Does that make me a freak?

You also tend to wonder whether you could ever match the other’s intelligence. How much more knowledge do you need to acquire before you can actually be at par with that person intellectually? And I am also not blessed with photographic memory either, or a sharp one to start off with. I take so, so long to understand, I can’t help feeling dumb sometimes. I work hard, but will it ever be enough? I strive and do my best, but when will best be the very best?

You then wonder whether your friends love you as much as theirs love them. You wonder if your friends are true. Yes, I know I have no reason to doubt the friends that I have right now, but at a point, I wonder why they’re friends with me in the first place. I don’t count myself the best BestFriend of the year, let alone a good one. I care, but I have trouble showing, which makes them think I don’t. I am blunt almost all the time; which makes me nasty. I listen, but I don’t think I give the best advices. So what makes them tick? What makes me their pick?

I then wonder what it would be like if I didn’t have any money. I see some people spend like cash grows on trees. It seems like they never seem to run out of it. And I am one who is not blessed with an extremely well to do family, but they are very, very good people indeed. And that, I definitely would not trade.

I wonder why me, almost all the time. But today, I am actually giving it a long and hard thought. I wonder why people pick me out of all the people in the world. I wonder why people call me and not others- is it because I am the only one who picked the phone up to listen, while others have chosen to ignore your call?

I also wonder why people ask me out- is it because you love my company so much, or because I am just a substitute for a date who didn’t turn up? Or perhaps, it’s because everyone else is busy doing their stuff, and I’m the only one available.

Why do people pick me to be their partner? Is it because I’m special and that I make good things happen in your life- or perhaps I am the only one there left? And I wonder why time and time again. And I could not help but feel inadequate and insecure. Others have so much more, so what am I next to them..

I look at other people and see that perhaps I could never be as good as them in anything. Physically, mentally, you name it. I wish we could all be just happy with ourselves, and by God, I do feel thankful that I am me. But sometimes I just can’t help wondering God- why me- the inadequate?